gopal

बहुत साल पहले,

वृन्दावन की गलियों में,

एक दुकान के  ताक पर,

चढा बैठा था!

ठीक उसही तरह ताक-झांक करता,

जैसे माखन चुराने के लिए,

वो औरो को sentry duty पर

लगाया करता था, बरसो पहले|

मैंने कहा, 

"मुझे चाहिए,

खूब ख्याल रखूँगी इसका,

अपने बच्चे सा!"

"रोज़ सुबह उठाऊंगी, नहालाउंगी, बताशे खिलाऊँगी,

हर साल नए कपड़े दूँगी,

इतना प्यार तो शायद

यशोदा ने भी न किया होगा |"

एक सिंघासन लिया,

कुछ कपड़े,

सोने के लिए 

एक छोटा सा,

गोटे वाला सिरहाना|

अपनी आँखों से तब बोलता था,

नए घर में जाने कि ख़ुशी, 

छलक के गिरती थी|

शाम को बाती और धूप की सुगंध में,

सूरज के साथ वो भी सो जाता,

अपने नन्हे से बिछोने में,

सुबह उठता था,

शंख कि आवाज़ के साथ |

नखरे सहती थी इसके,

कभी नए कपड़े, 

तो कभी सर्दी में रात को चादर ओढ़ाना,

कभी  चॉकलेट, मिठाईयों कि फरमाईश |

आज दस साल हो गए इस बात को!

अब रात दर रात, 

इंतज़ार करता रहता है |

कभी तो देखूं इसकी तरफ,

कभी पूछ लूं कि सब कैसा है |

कभी रोऊँ इसके पास बैठकर, 

बार बार पूछूं कि कब मुझको भी,

अपने नन्हे हाथों से लिपट लेगा |

कब थामेगा मेरा हाथ भी अपने जादू भरे प्यार से |

अब उसके नखरे मुझे 

अपने बनाये हुए illusions लगते हैं |

उसके लिए मेरा प्यार एक व्यर्थ चेष्टा |

उसकी वो रोशन आँखें,

बस वृन्दावन कि रौशनी का खेल |

शायद बहुत देर हो गयी है,

शायद अब मुझे आस नहीं,

यशोदा सा,

वो मुझे भी 'माँ' कहे,

शायद मैं उसे कभी इतना प्यार कर ही न पायी |

पर जब किया था,

पूरे मन से किया था,

सबसे ज्यादा,

एक छोटे बच्चे सा |

बस ये नहीं समझी थी,

कि वो मुझसे भी छोटा है |

अभी तक अपनी जिद पे अड़ा  है |

onion rings and more

एक अकेला चाँद ढूंढता रहा,

घंटो...

इस उस गली में, 

किसी बादल के पीछे से झांकता,

तो कभी किसी तारे से पूछता...

किसी न किसी गली में तो बैठी होगी वो,

गुस्से में सिस्किया लेती| 

झगड़के दूर नहीं गयी होगी,

वहीँ कहीं इंतज़ार कर रही होगी,

कि अब आके बैठेगा चाँद उसके पास,

और दुनिया भर कि चांदनी

उसके गोद में डाल देगा,

उसे मनाने की खातिर|

A reply again.

These posts are proving to be more and more a part of a conversation than anything else.

Anyway, moving on... Swati has written a blog post yet again. I being the "A"

she points out several things and here i am replying again. what makes it more difficult to convince her is the fact that she has decided to be the part of what the whole market wants us to believe.

let me start on another note,

I hate mills and boons and i always end up reading them when i am bored. or need some really mindless reading to do. i guess i need some right now, coz since i cant smoke up i need other really surreal things to do, mills and boons happens to be one of them. it so happens that on of them describes a couple (the guy being the heroine's dashing brother, and his plump, sweet wife) who left me wondering how the most handsome guys fell for the weirdest looking chicks. which by the way never happens to the hero and the heroine of a normal M&B.

and the opposite is true in a normal world scenario. good looking chicks always end up being with the biggest douche to be found in the neighborhood.

It didnt matter much coz I thought if that story was tellable the author would have concentrated on it, rather than the oh-so-understated-looker-chick who goes on to find the not-so-good-but-breathtakingly-handsome&rich-man. So, i decided i need to settle for some douche coz i thought no man with brains would go out with me. And i realised (after dating a so called "good looking" douche for 2 months) that my standards are way higher, i cant settle for one of these desperate bitches who have no grey cells in any part of their body. Which made sure that there were not many choices left. not many men (or women...before im blamed of being sexist) have brains to really be a match to mine (trying not to feel too smug when i say that).

----end of story----

I know date a guy who most blog friends know as stupendous man, and friends know as Shreyas, who is fatter than the that funny fat guy in the sadly funny movies. who looks more like overgrown cupid than anything else, and im not saying this to break up with him. he knows all this, and we joke about it most of the times. and when i say that he is looking good (romantically), he ends up reminding me what he thinks he looks like. and im completely in love with him. coz at the end of a bad day i wont cheer up because of what he looks like, but rather the amazing hug he can give me and talk me out of all the self deprecation i have bottled up inside. its how he makes me feel. I am sure we dont chose our friends for what they look like.

its not wrong to look good, but that doesnt mean one takes drastic measures to suddenly decide to look like someone else who in swati's words is "fairer and thinner" I dont get it, coz im neither fair nor thin. I am a five foot six with average looks and with a 36" waistline girl, who loves eating and would continue to do it. and i think i look good when i want to. i wear things i love, without being intimidated by the so called lookers i know. I have friends worth dying for, and who would do the same for me if need be. i know atleast 5 men who are completely weirdly in love with me or atleast have been at some points of their lives and have hopefully moved on now.

and if that doesnt make me feel good about myself (added the fact that im also fairly intelligent and talented) i wonder what would. when i look at myself in the morning, i dont see a girl who needs to get thin so people would say wow!!! i see someone who can cheer people up whenever they want it, i see a person who is liked by most (one cant please all). one who (as someone pointed out) cant be forgotten easily.

i guess it all boils down to this... choice. if i decide to go on a crash diet with none of my kababs and occasional pizzas, and rigorous excersises, im sure in about 4 months i would be a "looker" with a perfect 26 waist. and the only 2 things that would change is the fact that i would get about 15 more people lusting after me, without knowing me. and i would be having boiled vegetables once a day and thats it. which means more phone calls to avoid and less happines for my stomach. i may be proud of the way i look, but bugger for how long is the question. soon it would be time when i would be 30 and my looks would die out sooner than later. i would be groping at my own past with bags under my eyes for work stress.

the answer to all your questions my dear swati does not lie in my irrelevant ramblings. it lies in the shallowness of wanting to be someone else. something else. being fit is different from being thin. being beautiful is different from being fair. if that were the case, Jack Black, Queen Latifa, Luther Vandross, Barry White, The Mamas and The Papas, Elton John, they wouldnt sell, they would be sitting at home making crazy plans about getting thin to fit into the so called "make them look better" industry. coz thats where they belong.

what does it matter??? you want to feel better?? i would much rather have a chocolate than feel low for being fat and not fair... if you yourself discriminate against yourself, and put yourself down, there is no one in this universe who can make you feel better, no matter how many pounds you lose, or how much fair and lovely helps your cause. being fat in no way hampers you unless you make it.

long back i read something... just quoting from thr...

"she was beautiul, not too pretty, but beautiful"

The clones

This is in answer to Swati’s blog, who

is a journalist friend of mine from Kolkata. Not that it makes too much of a difference to many bloggers to read a opinion post.

She is trying to be the unapologetic narcissist. Who, cares right now to set her own life straight before messing it up with things like love and rather complicated relationships. Pretty much what I was trying to do a couple of years ago… And it feels good that she has done a good job of cheering herself up.

Enough with the part on the back for her, I guess I should come to the point. She points out some rather pressing matters, as to how she defines herself as a geek, or how she likes reading more than “work hard party harder” friends, who are rushing into most things (quite rightly put). How each of us have become clones of each other. In trying to outdo each other in every way possible, but the one thing each of us aim for is “acceptance” in the society as a part of them. A mere clone of them who are uber cool and uber smart, and know the MEANING OF LIFE...

I guess reading the blog makes more sense, coz I just wrote what I thought was the gist of the matter.

I agree in all respects.

Except one.

Though one may define a GEEK as someone supremely intellectual, just not in the same admiring way I am putting it. It is referred in dictionary.reference.com as

geek Slang.

n.

1. 1. A person regarded as foolish, inept, or clumsy.

   2. A person who is single-minded or accomplished in scientific or technical pursuits but is felt to be socially inept.

She is not one, as far as I know her, she speaks well, socializes well enough, has done her bit of partying smoking, booze, flirtations when she wanted to. And she is back to her own life as she likes it. What is it with us and the self deprecations we put ourselves through? Why is it that we decide that since we are not one of them, we are “Geeks”, “boring”, “devoid of a ‘LIFE’”… why is it that even my friends from college call me up to party with them and my refusal is generally greeted with disdain and a rather condescending comment about how I have become a “boring” person. How does wanting to do things differently or different things make me boring?

I know I have a better life than them. It’s not the same routine of going to discotheques every Tuesday and Saturday, finding a man/woman to fuck/flirt depending on your relationship status on facebook. And going to college and coming back. For a repeated period of 5 years and intending to continue it for the rest of their ‘exciting’ lives…

How does my wanting to travel and read (which is another non expensive way of travelling) and read Manga, and driving around Delhi with my boyfriend, or travel in buses with my friends, listening to music make my life any less exciting than theirs. How does it even make me antisocial? I can claim to have known more people, having more fun, having more friends to help me when I need them. Along with all the adventure that each of these things brings to me…

Yes swati, we are becoming clones of each other. And faster than you can say JHUMRITALAIYA, each of us is busy trying to “get a life”. Each of us getting ruder, pretentious and unhappier under the surface…

I just hope it doesn’t soon take over everyone of us who wants to be different and respect ourselves rather than exhault.

experimented

So, their must be a better world,

Somewhere beyond what we have seen,

a John Lennon world if one may call it,

heaven, i think that's what they speak of.

It must be perfect in every sense,

mayhaps without pettiness or judgement.

or prejudices of souls.

without promises of different heavens.

Or wrath of gods for every sin.

Their is probably a different God.

more indulgent and presumably undivided

into Allahs and Rams and Yahwehs...

where satisfaction is guaranteed.

this world's god is a mad scientist.

this world a rather bizarre experiment

where i don't know whether I'm a customer

or the product itself.

faulted designs with bigger brains than needed,

or bigger hearts susceptible to breakdown.

there is another school of thought...

this world is a junkyard of faulty designs.

each surviving whilst destroying another.

the shredder engulfs them one by one...

shredding them and putting them

in a big blast furnace

the 50 questions tag

01. What time did you get up this morning?
i slept in the morning... just got up... at 4 45

02. How do u like your steak?
tender...

03. What was the last film you saw at a cinema?

Kaminey yesterday

04. What is your favorite TV show?
These days Naruto, other wise... HIMYM, TOP GEAR, YEs minister... enjoy them all

05. If you could live anywhere in the world, where it would be?
IF i COULD live anywhere it would be ladakh.... otherwise delhi does just fine

06. What did you have for breakfast?
Nothing..isnt it past lunchtime already?

07. What is your favorite cuisine?
Indian. Italian is a close second... anything that constitutes lots of meat. :)

08. What foods do you dislike?
tinde...loathe them... and i have taken a recent dislike to tofu

09. Favorite place to eat?
BIG CHILL khan market... i have kinda made it a habit not to go to the same restaurant twice.... but cant seem to keep off big chill

10. (i made up a question here) what questionm would you like to be asked here?

what is your mood right now??

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?
i drive a bus... 11 number

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Shorts and lose T always.... i would like to be a nudist though if given a chance (and im supposed to be a fashion designer...sigh!!! no wonder i dont have a job yet)

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
EVEN THE MOON!!!

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full???

full... on the verge of emptying... im just having tea so literally

15. Where would you want to retire?

somewhere in the mountains

16. Favorite time of the day?
sunset... i spend it mostly with stupendous man... laughing about some random thing

17. Where were you born?
DELHI, INDIA

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
football, or tennis... dont enjoy watching cricket too much these days

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
I donno no idea...

20. Person you expect to tag back you first?
Donno.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
no one... im not even sure anyone does this blog

22. Bird watcher?
Not too much

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
totally a night person...

24. Do you have any pets?
not yet

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
yes, i have started writing... follow it on http://quixoticdeceit.wordpress.com i know this is cheap publicity

26. What did you want to do when you were little?
doctor...with a red maruti and a red plus sign on its sheesha

27. What is your best childhood memory?
none.... i have temporary amnesia of my childhood

28. Are you a cat person or a dog person?
a DOG person...definitely.

29. Are you married?
No.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
nope

31. Been in a car accident?
nope. would like to be in one... atleast to die...

32. Any pet peeves?
nagging...

33. Favorite pizza toppings?
quatro formage.... with white sauce and garlic...

34. Favorite flower?
carnations...always...

35. Favorite ice cream?
butter scotch... and nougat

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
dominos

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
LOL. never...have never taken one

38. From whom did you get your last email?

google alerts on fashion designer

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
any stationary or music store

40. Do anything spontaneously?
mostly everything

41. Happy with your job?
yes, i dont have any

42. Brocolli?
yep in pasta

43. What was your favorite vacation?
alone... ooty and kunnoor

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
stupendous man... a pre kaminey dinner

45. What are you listening to right now?
Laaga chunari mein daag, from the movie dil hi to hai.

46. What is you favorite color?
none in particular... purple comes close to winning

47. How many tattoos do you have?
None

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
no one

49. In what time did you finish this quiz?
close to an hour....

50. Coffee drinker?
Yepp, totally.

you can now follow the story of stupendous man on

THE ADVENTURES OF STUPENDOUS MAN

It has also been put on my blogroll for the people who want to read it otherwise

fiction part 2

she is "B"... some one else's though. she looks at the full moon tonight and it stares back, moving ever so slightly every some minutes... she looks back at it almost expecting it to say something... something nice to her.

stupendous man flies in... its strange how he is her superhero, and she realises stupendous man only exists in her head. he has strange powers... he can be somewhere else and can communicate through telepathy, today he is using the moon as his tool. thats how he saves her from troubles. troubles of moons not telling her nice things... stupendous man to the rescue!!!

now is the time stupendous man must be characterised for those who want a mental image of him. he is not you regular "chaddi outside" superhero. he looks more like cupid. with seldom seen cupid like qualities(he wears clothes though). he has a loud booming voice, which goes through anything, even solid walls built around the heart, hardened over the years. laser cant go through it, but his voice can. he quotes shakespeare and he has a red ferrari as his choice of transport. you could see him sitting in the crowd cheering this certain team he likes to call "THE REDS". but you wont recognise him in his secret identity. his physique is rather upside down but that is just a decoy to the enemy... and like all superheros he has a weakness and an arch enemy... a certain woman he calls maya... "B" hasnt figured out whether maya is his weakness or his nemesis or both... "B" guesses both, since a man is most likely to love the one thing he is most likely to be destroyed by. and stupendous man, though a superhero, with a secret identity, is still a man after all.

"B" knows what she is going to do, she gets up...

a breeze blows into the dark room, its still wee hours of the morning... there are clouds in the sky, it is light golden...but the sun hasnt risen yet.

In the blink of an eye "B" changes... the colour of her hair changes from the "burgundy" red to a natural brown. she visits the strange city called "Angular B". she comes back to "Elite D" her home the next moment... she knows who she wants now, everything is clear...

she turns around, and "B" looks into her own reflection as "MAYA"

what happens next???

is maya's making a evil plan to seduce stupendous man into her trap?

or has maya's heart finally melted?

has maya decided to turn over a new leaf?

is this all rather stupid?

stay tuned...

to be contd.

FALLEN ETERNITY

I will be blown, to a thousand pieces

i know it, i can see my end

im miles away from it..yet....

yes, that's the one

the rocks that i will hit

the corner where the sea meets the mountain

 

i can even see the nameless,faceless on the very cliff

the sea air ruffling through their hair

as they now embrace,as they kiss

............or was that me?

I'd forgotten that moment long ago

wiped it like a dream i know cant come true

 

I actually dont know how i reached this high 

but its bliss... really!

you'd felt it too..remember?

we went to the city fair

both of us holding hands

and as the ferris wheel came down

the hands clasped tight

a gurgle that starts just below the navel

a shout escaped your beautiful heart shaped parted lips

a scream of excitement,of adrenaline

 

and im feeling that gurgle since eternity

the blissful emptiness...uncaring...gleeful

its just goes on and on and on

I'm very close now,nearing my end

i close my eyes now, spread my arms to my fatality

 

and then you kiss me awake

to my ruthless, vaccous reality

I say "sweetheart ! "

"please, tomorrow, dont wake me up"

2005/06... not too sure when

Full Circle

A water lily sinks

At a boys throw of a stone

Carefully aimed at it

for the price of a few marbles

 

The ripples going to eternity

Talking of the pain of the lily

And of the pond that had once sat still

To wait for the little one to bloom; Mute

A play of a boy, he dint hurt the lily

just killed it, unknowingly innocent

pleas to the heaven, silent.....

unsaid words of forgiveness

 

Now, as he watches his own child die

On the bed,at the dark corner of the room

himself stained with the little ones blood

Wife shrieking a maddening echo of the plea

 

the boy sinks into his death

the ripples of grief tearing ruthlessly

the heart of a father watching the ghastly death

 

Just as he saw his rapturous (sublime)* birth

MUTE

 

And a lily blooms yet another time

the pond's been waiting for the little one

Written in 2005 or 06.. not really sure...